How to manage disagreements, live together, and strengthen genuine connections.
America is in Shock
America is shocked by the murder of a friend of Israel and a friend of the Jewish people, Charlie Kirk. He stood up everywhere and defended Israel and Jews in general. He used to say that there is no other young non-Jewish person with such a long record of supporting Jews.
The question is: how can we learn to argue with each other without it ending this way? How do we learn to live with people who disagree with us, and perhaps even reach agreements?
Recently, an interview was published in Living Torah(issue 1095) with two people who shared their private encounters with the Rebbe. One of them was Rabbi Yonatan Adler. In the late 1960s, he was a student at the University of Maryland, where he began to connect to Judaism through Rabbi Yitzchak Shpringer, of blessed memory.
He recounts that he met his future wife there and got married, but they faced significant difficulties regarding kashrut. They became observant and started keeping kosher, yet his mother-in-law, who was a very hospitable woman, could not accept that they could not eat at all the shared family meals. They tried to make adjustments; she began buying kosher meat and other items, but it still wasn’t enough. This became a painful issue between the couple and the mother-in-law.
One day he met Rabbi Shpringer and asked what to do. Rabbi Shpringer suggested they go to the Rebbe for a private audience to ask this question. The couple went together, entered the Rebbe’s presence, and asked what to do.
The Rebbe told them: “You must stop eating entirely at her parents’ house – not even an apple, not even a banana – but visit her more than you have before. Show her that you bear her no ill will; in fact, you seek closeness, but eating is not possible.” The Rebbe added, cautioning that during the first few weeks, the situation would worsen, but afterwards it would begin to improve.
And so they did: they informed her that they would eat nothing in her house. At first, it was extremely difficult, and relations worsened. But as the Rebbe had foreseen, after three weeks the mother-in-law said: “Just come, come – don’t eat anything, but come.” A completely new bond began, and they became very close. Their closeness was so strong that whenever she needed help at home, she would call her son-in-law, and he would come to take care of it.
The Story of Shoshana Meer
Mrs. Shoshana Meer recounts that in the early 1970s she was engaged with a ba’al teshuvah. She grew up in a Haredi home and studied at Beit Yaakov, but had little exposure to non-Haredi environments. She was about to marry a man whose parents were not religious and did not know how to handle it. She went to the Rebbe to ask what she should say at the meeting and how to represent her side. She was concerned about their influence on her future family.
The Rebbe began speaking about the issue of kashrut, but she interrupted him mid-sentence, saying: “I am not so concerned about this. I want to know what I should tell them, how to protect my way of life, and what effect it will have that they are not Orthodox on our family.” The Rebbe looked at her as one looks at a young girl with no life experience and said: “Maybe when you become a mother, or even before that, you will understand the feeling of a mother who cannot feed her child.”
She recounts that the Rebbe completely changed her perspective. It was as if he said: why do you regard your mother-in-law as someone you need to fight against? Try to see things from her perspective – she loves the man you are about to marry, he is her child. She wants the best for you; she loves you.
This statement completely changed her view of her relationship with her mother-in-law. From then on, whenever they lived in the same city, she always tried to see things from her mother-in-law’s perspective, not her own. This led them to become good friends. She always explained why they did things as they did. Furthermore, every Sunday they would go out to a kosher restaurant, and even when they had very important matters, they made every effort not to miss the Sunday meal together. This led them to become lifelong friends.
How We Were Blessed with Prophets
This idea is also reflected in the story of the Giving of the Torah, when G-d gave the Torah to the Jewish people at Mount Sinai. In Devarim (Va’etchanan 5), when Moses recounts the story of the Giving of the Torah, he adds: “These are the words that the Lord spoke to all your assembly on the mountain from the midst of the fire, the cloud, and the thick darkness… and it came to pass, when you heard the voice out of the darkness, the mountain burned with fire, and you drew near to me, all the heads of your tribes and your elders.”
What did they ask from Moses? They said they were afraid to hear the word of G-d: “And why should we die? The fire is so great; if we continue to hear the voice of the Lord our God, we shall die.”
Then they suggested to Moses: “You approach and hear all that the Lord our God will say, and you shall speak to us.” Moses did not like this idea, and as Rashi comments: “You have weakened my strength like a woman; I was distressed for you because I saw that you are not fully pious to approach Him out of love. Would it not be proper for you to learn directly from the mouth of the Almighty instead of from me?”
Moses was disappointed in the people. He expected they would want to learn directly from G-d. But G-d viewed the situation differently: “And the Lord said to me… ‘They have spoken well’” – G-d agreed to their request.
Moses looked at it from his perspective and asked: what are you afraid of? Why not listen to G-d? You have the opportunity to hear from the Creator, yet you want someone else, an intermediary. But G-d looked at it differently – from the perspective of the people. It was too much for them; they were not at that level. Yes, it worked once, but it is not sustainable for daily life.
G-d told Moses: “Go, tell them to return to their tents” – go home to your family. And He said to Moses: “And you stand here by Me” – it is suitable for you, but not for anyone else.
We see later in Shoftim (chapter 18) how much the not wanted to speak directly to G-d, brought out a positive result: “A prophet from among your brothers, like me, will the Lord your God raise up for you.” And this corresponds to their request: “As you asked from G-d your God at Horev… I will not gather to hear the voice of the Lord my God, and the great fire I will no longer see nor die.” According to Seferi (Devarim 176:16): “Thus they were privileged that prophets would stand for them.” Because they said they could not hear G-d directly, He gave them prophets.
We find something similar in Parashat Ki Tavo, which begins with the mitzvah of Bikkurim (first fruits). The farmer had to bring the first fruits of the land to the Temple, where he would recite a monologue describing the suffering of Israel with Lavan in Aram and in Egypt, and then give thanks to G-d for bringing them to the Land of Milk and Honey.
The “Bikkurim recitation” had to be said in the exact holy language as written in the Torah. The Seefri writes: “At first, all who knew how to read would read, and those who did not know how to read were prevented from bringing because of embarrassment.” The sages decreed that all should repeat after the Kohen word by word. Even those who knew the prayer by heart had to repeat it, to avoid embarrassing those who did not know. Here we again see the principle of understanding the other, stepping into their shoes, and ensuring no one is embarrassed.
We see a similar concept in weddings. At the chuppah, the blessings over the betrothal are long and somewhat complex, and should be recited only once. The groom is responsible, but since many grooms cannot read it, it was arranged that the Rabbi recite the blessing.
From experience, when a young couple comes to discuss the wedding, I tell the groom: “Don’t worry – this is not a Bar Mitzvah. You don’t have to say anything; the Rabbi does it all.” You immediately see the stress drop, the groom relaxes, and he is ready to cooperate.
As we approach Rosh Hashanah, we all pray for a good year. When we try to understand the perspective of another, even G-d will look upon us from our perspective and grant us and all Israel a good and sweet year.
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