How To Talk To Men

The Torah never wastes words. So why does it repeat the very same mitzvot twice in the Shema? 

Understanding the Differences

This week marks Tu B’Av, the fifteenth of Av. In biblical times, it was known as a day for matchmaking. The young women of Israel would dance in the vineyards, and the young men would come there in search of a wife. 

It seems like an appropriate time to reflect on something that can strengthen every marriage Recently, I listened to a lecture by a marriage counselor, and I’d like to share a few of his insights. 

He argued that the key to a happy marriage begins with one simple realization: men and women are fundamentally different.

Take this familiar example. A woman wakes up with a high fever. Even so, she gets out of bed, takes care of the children, makes breakfast, gets everyone off to school, and only then does she think about taking care of herself.

A man, on the other hand, feels the slightest fever and immediately announces that he won’t be going to work. He cancels his meetings, heads straight for bed, and becomes convinced he’s suffering from a life-threatening illness.

Here’s another difference. Men often don’t notice the little details. A wife puts on a new dress, hoping her husband will compliment it. He says nothing. Eventually, when she can’t take it anymore, she asks, “Don’t you like my new dress?” The poor husband apologizes and replies, “It looks beautiful! I just didn’t realize it was new.”

Or picture the middle of the night. The baby starts crying, and the wife wakes her husband, asking him to give the baby a bottle. He finally gets up, walks into the kitchen, and a moment later calls out, “I can’t find the bottle!”

She tries to guide him: “It’s right next to the refrigerator… in the corner by the cabinets…” But he keeps searching as though he’s stumbling around in complete darkness. Finally, he gives up and announces defeat.

She gets out of bed, walks into the kitchen—and, of course, the bottle is sitting exactly where she said it was.

Sometimes it seems that men simply don’t see what they aren’t looking for.

Why Repeat the Same Mitzvot?

In this week’s Torah portion, Eikev, we read the second paragraph of the Shema, beginning with the words “Vehayah im shamoa.” If you compare it to the first paragraph, you’ll notice something unusual: many of the same mitzvot are repeated.

The first paragraph commands us, “You shall love the Lord your G-d,” and the second echoes the same theme, speaking of loving G-d. The first tells us, “Teach these words to your children,” and the second repeats that instruction as well. Both paragraphs also include the mitzvot of tefillin and mezuzah.

That raises an obvious question. We know that every word in the Torah is precise. Some very important mitzvot are conveyed in just a few words, or even hinted at indirectly. So why does the Torah devote so much space to repeating these same commandments?

The Power of Women

Before the giving of the Torah, G-d sent Moshe to tell the Jewish people that they had been chosen to receive the Torah. The very first instruction He gave Moshe was:

“So shall you say to the House of Jacob, and tell the Children of Israel.”

Why the two expressions? Aren’t “the House of Jacob” and “the Children of Israel” referring to the very same people?

Rashi explains that they are speaking to two different audiences. “The House of Jacob” refers to the women, while “the Children of Israel” refers to the men. The Torah is teaching us that when it comes to life’s most important messages, you can’t speak to everyone the same way. Men and women often need to hear the message differently.

Rashi adds another fascinating point. Moshe was told to speak to the women gently, with warmth and sensitivity. But when speaking to the men, he was to deliver “words as firm as sinews”—clear, direct, and unequivocal.

Anyone who’s been married may recognize this. A wife asks her husband—once, twice, maybe three times—to take out the garbage. He doesn’t seem to hear a thing. Finally, after losing patience, she raises her voice: “Would you please take out the garbage already?” Suddenly he snaps to attention and says, “Okay, okay… but why are you yelling?”

Apparently, some men don’t respond until the message is impossible to miss.

Rashi points out one more detail. G-d instructed Moshe to speak to the women first, and only afterward to the men.

Why?

The Rebbe cites a Midrash that sheds light on this. G-d commanded Adam not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam then passed that instruction on to Chava—and we all know how that turned out. The Midrash comments that had G-d given the command directly to Chava, she would have made sure Adam never got anywhere near the tree in the first place!

More importantly, we see this principle play out in everyday life. In so many Jewish homes, it is the woman who shapes the family’s Jewish direction. The children will often attend the Hebrew school that she chooses. The family will usually become part of the synagogue where she feels at home. More often than not, the husband is happy to go along.

That’s why G-d told Moshe to speak to the women first. If you can inspire them, you’ve already accomplished most of the mission. They will make sure the message reaches the rest of the family.

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

Perhaps this also helps explain why the Torah repeats the same mitzvot in the two paragraphs of the Shema.

Just as, before the giving of the Torah, Moshe addressed the women and the men separately, perhaps the same thing happened here, at the end of the forty years in the wilderness. Moshe first addressed the women, teaching them the first paragraph of the Shema. He spoke to them gently, encouraging them to love G-d, to teach Torah to their children, to make sure there was a mezuzah on every doorway, and to encourage their husbands to put on tefillin.

The second paragraph, however, was addressed to the men.

Moshe repeated the very same mitzvot—but he introduced them in a completely different way. Instead of speaking softly, he spoke in firm, practical terms.

“If you faithfully observe My commandments,” he tells them, then you will enjoy G-d’s blessings: your fields will produce, your harvests will be plentiful, and you will have everything you need.

In today’s language, you might say: business will be good, customers will keep coming, your investments will do well, and life will run smoothly. But if you ignore the mitzvot, the opposite can happen, G-d forbid.

That’s the language Moshe used with the men.

Women don’t need to be threatened in order to love G-d. And traditionally, they were not the family’s primary breadwinner. A man’s sense of responsibility is often tied to providing for his family, so Moshe speaks to him in terms he naturally understands.

The same pattern appears at the end of the paragraph. The Torah promises that by keeping the mitzvot, “your days will be prolonged.”

Who needs that blessing more?

Generally speaking, women tend to outlive men. That’s true today, and it was true in earlier generations as well. Men are the ones who especially need the blessing of long life. Even in the generation of the wilderness, the women merited entering the Land of Israel, while many of the men did not live to do so.

So, as Moshe addresses the generation about to enter the Land, he tells the men: Keep the mitzvot, and you will be blessed with long life.

And yet, perhaps the greatest proven recipe for a long and happy life was given long before. G-d told Avraham:

“Whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her.”

That may be the best marriage advice of all.