Aging should never mean becoming invisible, unnecessary, or forgotten. The Torah offers a very different vision, one in which the wisdom of age is valued and the later years of life can become truly golden years.
Ageism is a dismissive or discriminatory attitude toward a person because of their age, whether young or old. For example, when a child says to a parent, “You’re old, you no longer understand how the world works,” and dismisses the parent’s opinion simply because of their age, that is something many older adults complain about.
But perhaps the older adults themselves are partly to blame. Studies show that beginning at around age forty, most of us claim that we feel younger than our actual age, by about 20 percent. A study published in 2023 found that among people sixty and older, about 86 percent felt younger than their actual age, and on average, they felt thirteen years younger than their actual age.
And those who feel younger than their age enjoy better health and better mental well being. A large gap between perceived age and actual age predicts better physical health, as well as higher levels of optimism, self efficacy, curiosity, and social support.
But there is also a price. People who feel younger than their age, which is actually most people, do not necessarily want to associate with “those old people,” meaning people who are their actual age. Instead, they may value people who are considered young. In doing so, they lose a natural group of belonging that can provide them with support and meaning as they grow older. This is part of the destructive cycle of self ageism.
How We Learn to See Age
Where does this come from? One interesting explanation is that unlike other stereotypes that we refuse to accept about ourselves, in this case we internalize stereotypes about age much more easily. We hear them when we are young, and then it is easy for us to accept them because they do not apply to us. Then, when we become older, we are already stuck with them.
At a farbrengen on Rosh Chodesh Elul in 1980, the Rebbe spoke at length about this problem. He said that in recent decades, a tendency had developed to view old age as a serious limitation. Anyone who had passed the age of fifty could be regarded as someone who had “already passed his time.”
Before long, he begins to receive hints that it would be better for him to retire with dignity before they are forced to do it for him. This is especially true when there is a young person behind him who is eager to push him out of his position. A young person is considered more capable and also less expensive, since he usually starts with a lower salary. And if the older person must nevertheless be kept, they will do him a “favor” and give him a secondary position in the company. They may even ask for his advice from time to time, while, of course, ultimately doing exactly the opposite of what he suggested.
By the time he finally reaches retirement age, he has already become accustomed to accepting his inferior status as a fact of life. The widespread perception of older people as incapable and useless affects him so deeply that he feels unnecessary and like a burden on those around him. This has a negative psychological effect: he becomes depressed and bitter, and as a result, his physical health also suffers.
The Rebbe continues to describe the situation: Before long, they send him to a nursing home, and his children “do him a favor” by taking half an hour out of their schedules, somewhere between a round of golf and a day at the beach, to visit him. They also remind him how much it costs them to keep him in the nursing home. When Father’s Day arrives, the son sends his secretary to buy an elegant tie, rushes to the nursing home to give it to his father, and says, “Look, Dad, I didn’t forget you!”
After spending no more than half an hour, he rushes back to his affairs, and can continue living his life with a clear conscience until the following year, when he will buy his father another tie, with an even more elegant pattern.
This approach even receives justification in the name of “progress.” As technology advances and automation reduces the need for workers in many fields, some people become unnecessary and have to be fired. And what could be “better” than firing those who are closest to retirement age and giving them the “rare advantage” of slowing down earlier than usual?
The most unfortunate part is that by doing so, society turns its back on the enormous reservoir of experience possessed by older people. They can be an invaluable source of wise advice for younger people who still lack that experience.
This is true in the family and in the community, and it is also true in business and industry. The older person learned things the hard way: he built the business, developed new methods, and learned from his mistakes. Such a valuable reservoir of knowledge can only be acquired over many years. Very often, he has already dealt with problems similar to those they are now experiencing. If they listen to his good advice, they can avoid costly mistakes.
But instead of taking advantage of this valuable asset, instead of showing gratitude for his years of loyal service to the company, for having trained younger employees, perhaps even his sons and nephews, and for teaching them the secrets of the profession, the company adopts the mistaken approach that it is better to replace him with a younger person who sometimes does not even know the simplest fundamentals of the job.
In this way, quality is sacrificed for the questionable advantage of youth. The older generation, whose numbers are growing as life expectancy increases soon internalize the idea that they are useless and unnecessary. In many cases, they simply do not know what to do with themselves. The problem is just as serious in nursing homes. The staff there no longer knows how to find new activities and original ideas to keep the elderly engaged in enjoyable ways.
Perhaps older people should indeed be relieved of the full burden of their work when their strength declines and their health is sometimes affected. But removing them completely from active life is both cruel toward them and shortsighted on the part of society.
Young people who hold this attitude should also think carefully about the possible consequences. In this century, trends tend to gain momentum at an ever increasing pace. There is a real possibility that today’s young people will be considered “old” at least ten years earlier than the age at which they themselves currently regard the previous generation as old!
In fact, there is a hint to this in the Fifth Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother so that your days may be lengthened upon the land that the L-rd your G-d is giving you.” If you want your own days to be extended, and during those days you want to continue contributing to society in a dignified and meaningful way, honor and value the people who are older than you already now.
The fact that one of the first Ten Commandments given to the Jewish people at Mount Sinai is the commandment to honor parents and older people demonstrates the central place that respect for the elderly holds in the Torah.
A Different View of Aging
The Torah’s perspective on this matter is completely opposite to that of modern society. Longevity is considered in the Torah to be one of the greatest blessings. Our Sages say: “The elders among Torah scholars, as they grow older, their minds become more settled” (end of Tractate Kinnim).
The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 244:1) commands us to rise before people over the age of seventy, even if they are not Torah scholars, out of respect “because they have experienced many troubles and suffering,” as explained in the Talmud (Kiddushin 33a).
The concept of “retirement from life” simply does not exist in the Torah. From the moment of his birth until the final moment of his life, a Jew is created to serve his Creator, and there is no age at which he can say, “I’m finished. Now I’m retiring.” On the contrary, the later years can be a wonderful period of spiritual growth.
When a person is no longer as busy as he was in his youth, this is the time when he can devote more hours to Torah, prayer, charity, and acts of kindness. And the Rebbe adds something very interesting: even if society or the workplace forced him to retire, he should not sink into anger and bitterness. He should look at the situation from a different perspective.
G-d is the One who runs the world. If suddenly several free hours have appeared in his life that he did not have before, perhaps G-d gave him this time so that he can do something he was not able to do previously. For years he was busy. Now he can truly be “his own boss” and devote several hours a day to Torah study.
From here, the Rebbe moves to a practical suggestion: to establish special frameworks for Torah study for older people. Not merely an occasional class, but a permanent framework, like a college for elderly with regular hours of study, choice of courses and organized groups.
And the goal, the Rebbe says, is not merely to give older people something to do. The goal is to change their entire sense of themselves. Instead of thinking, “My good years are already behind me,” they can turn their later years into “golden years,” years filled with meaning, Torah, kindness, and giving.
An older person who studies Torah every day with people his own age can once again become someone with a meaningful role in the community. Even more than that, he can become the person a young person turns to when he is in crisis. He can say to him, “I went through a period like that too. I also thought there was no way out. But I learned not to give up.” And he can help the young person see his life in a more optimistic way. In this way, the older person discovers that the experience he has accumulated was meant to help others. (chabad.org)
As was mentioned in the Rebbe’s talk, the blessing of longevity is stated in the Torah in the Ten Commandments as a reward for the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. The same blessing and the same reward are mentioned again in this week’s Parsha, Ki Teitzei, as a reward for the mitzvah of sending away the mother bird.
The mitzvah of sending away the mother bird is the commandment that when a person finds a bird’s nest containing a mother bird sitting on her chicks or eggs, he must send away the mother before taking the chicks or eggs. Regarding this mitzvah, the Torah says: “So that it will be good for you and you will lengthen your days,” a blessing of longevity.
Some explain that the common denominator between these two mitzvot is that they teach us not to take advantage of the natural love and devotion of someone who gives of himself for his children. The bird sits on her chicks and does not leave them because of a deep instinct of devotion, and therefore the Torah commands us to send away the mother before taking the chicks or eggs. The same is true of parents. They possess a deep instinct to have compassion for, love, and care for their children, and we must not take advantage of that love and devotion. On the contrary, we must honor them and recognize the good they have done for us.
And perhaps this is the deeper message: These two mitzvot teach us a principle that relates to all the mitzvot. The more we fulfill the commandments of our Father in Heaven, the more we will merit, in the Rebbe’s words, “one of the greatest blessings,” long life and good years.
Amen.