A Mother’s Pain 

There is a difference between feeling bad for someone and truly feeling their suffering. 

“That Is How I Feel Her Pain”

In the 1970s, in Brooklyn, there was a young teenage girl who was going through a very difficult time. She was struggling emotionally in a serious way—with teenage rebellion, family challenges, and deep personal pain.

The Rebbe took an extraordinary interest in helping her. Rabbi Shmuel Kaplan and his wife were asked to be involved, and for many months they worked with her closely. Throughout that time, they would consult with Rabbi Chaim Mordechai Aizik Chodakov, the Rebbe’s secretary. Rabbi Chodakov would bring the matter to the Rebbe and then return with the Rebbe’s guidance and instructions.

At one point, the girl wrote a long letter to the Rebbe describing the pain and suffering she was experiencing. The Rebbe responded that he felt her pain.

She wrote back honestly: “Rebbe, I don’t believe that. How can you feel my pain? You’re not going through what I’m going through. What does it mean that you ‘feel my pain’?”

Within two hours, she received an answer from the Rebbe.

The Rebbe wrote that one day, with G-d’s help, she would grow up, get married, and have a child of her own. And when that child’s first teeth begin to come in, the child will cry from the pain of teething. The mother, of course, is not the one whose teeth are hurting. But when she hears her child cry, she feels that pain as if it were her own.

And the Rebbe concluded: “That is how I feel her pain.”

Those words made an enormous impact on her. In time, she went on to build a beautiful Chassidic family. (Living Torah issue 245).

When Moses Cries Out

In this week’s Torah portion, Behaalotecha, we find a powerful example of empathy.

The story begins with the Jewish people complaining in the desert. They were tired of the manna, the miraculous food they ate every day, and they began demanding meat—and Moses turned to G-d and said: I cannot carry this nation alone. The burden is too heavy for me.

So G-d told Moses to gather seventy elders who would help him carry the responsibility of leading the people. Moses gathered them, and G-d placed a measure of Moses’ spirit upon them, and they began to experience prophecy.

When Tzipporah, Moses’ wife, heard that there were new prophets among the people, she said, “I feel bad for their wives. If they become prophets, they may end up separating from their wives the way my husband separated from me.”

Miriam overheard this. She understood from Tzipporah’s words that Moses had separated from his wife, and she was troubled by it. After all, G-d had spoken to Miriam and Aaron too, and they had continued living normal family lives. So Miriam spoke to Aaron and asked: Why is Moses different?

At that moment, G-d appeared to Miriam and Aaron and made it clear that Moses was in a category of his own. Other prophets experienced prophecy in a more limited way, but Moses was completely devoted to G-d and trusted by G-d in a unique way. “In all My house, he is trusted,” the Torah says. 

And then G-d challenged them: How were you not afraid to speak about My servant Moses? Immediately, Miriam was struck with tzaraat, a spiritual affliction that appeared on her skin. 

Here’s the key part of the story: 

When Aaron saw what had happened, he turned to Moses and begged him to pray for her, and Moses did not hesitate. He cried out to G-d with just a few short words: “Please, G-d, please heal her,” and through that prayer, Miriam was healed.

Showing Empathy

The question is however: Why didn’t Aaron pray for her himself?

After all, Aaron was the Kohen Gadol, the High Priest. His entire role was to pray on behalf of the Jewish people. On Yom Kippur, the Kohen Gadol would enter the Holy of Holies to pray for everyone. The verse says, “He shall atone for himself, for his household, and for the entire congregation of Israel” (Leviticus 16:17). So Aaron should have been the one to pray for Miriam.

Perhaps we can explain it this way:

For the prayer to be accepted, it had to come from the very person because of whom the punishment came. By praying for her, Moses was showing that he forgave her wholeheartedly. More than that: he was not only forgiving her, he was actively praying for her recovery. That is why Aaron felt that Moses’ prayer would be far more effective than his own.

This is similar to the Rebbe’s explanation regarding the episode in which Moses was commanded, “Make for yourself a serpent.” Rashi explains that “for yourself” means it had to come from Moses’ own money. The Rebbe explains that this was in order to show that Moses had not retained even the slightest trace of resentment toward the Jewish people (Chukas 5744, Hitvaaduyos 5744, vol. 3, p. 2091).

This idea is explained in the Midrash as follows:

The Torah says that when Moses prayed for Miriam, he did not simply “pray.” It says, “Moses cried out to G-d: Please, G-d, please heal her” (Numbers 12:13).

Why does the Torah use the word “cried out”?

The Midrash explains it with a parable. There was once a strong man who had a heavy collar placed around his neck. After some time, he was freed from that collar. Later, he saw that same collar placed around someone else’s neck, and he began to cry out.

People asked him, “Why are you crying out?”

He answered, “You don’t know what kind of pain he is in. I know what kind of pain he is in.”

The Midrash says: that is what happened with Moses. When Miriam was struck with tzaraat, Moses cried out to G-d. G-d said to him, “Why are you crying out?” And Moses answered, “Master of the universe, I know the pain she is in, because I remember when my own hand was placed into that same condition,” as the Torah says earlier, “His hand was afflicted with tzaraat, white as snow” (Devarim Rabbah 6:13; Exodus 4:6).

What is the Midrash referring to?

At the very beginning of Moses’ mission, when G-d appeared to him at the burning bush and told him to go redeem the Jewish people, Moses hesitated. He argued that if he came to the Jewish people and told them that G-d had sent him to redeem them, they would not believe him.

In response, G-d gave him signs to show the people. One of those signs was that Moses placed his hand inside his garment, and when he took it out, it was afflicted with tzaraat, white as snow. Rashi explains that this came because Moses had spoken negatively about the Jewish people by saying they would not believe him. G-d then healed him immediately (Exodus 4:1–7, with Rashi on Exodus 4:6).

So when Moses now saw Miriam suffering from tzaraat, it was not theoretical to him. He knew that pain. He remembered it. He had experienced it himself.

That is why he cried out.

And this brings us back to the story of the Rebbe and the young girl.

Ahavat Yisrael—love for another Jew—is not only about having sympathy for someone else’s pain. It means trying to feel their pain, the way a mother feels the pain of her baby’s teething. And when someone senses that you are not just watching their pain from the outside, but that you are truly hurting with them, that itself gives them strength. It eases the pain a little.That is real Ahavat Yisrael.