When it comes to building a Jewish home, G-d gives us special help.

Csanád Szegedi

Antisemitism never seems to leave the headlines. In light of events in Europe, many people are worried about the growing influence of groups that are hostile to the Jewish people.

One of the groups that helped fuel antisemitism in Hungary was a far-right party called Jobbik. A number of years ago, the party’s second-ranking figure was Csanád Szegedi (pronounced Chownad Segedee), who regularly made vicious statements against Jews.

Once, while discussing the government’s proposed budget, he claimed that its economic plan would help the country’s wealthy Jews at the expense of poor Hungarians. He sarcastically suggested that Shimon Peres must have written it. He would say that Hungary needed to defend itself against the Jews. He even claimed that the government was selling national assets so that wealthy Jews could take control of everything.

Szegedi became enormously popular. Then his political rivals began digging into his past.

To their astonishment, they discovered that he was Jewish.

His mother was the daughter of Holocaust survivors. His grandmother had survived Auschwitz, the only member of her family to make it out alive. Everyone else had been murdered. His grandfather had been a forced laborer in a Nazi camp.

His mother was fourteen before her parents told her that she was Jewish. They warned her never to tell anyone. What if there was another Auschwitz? When she married a non-Jew, her father was very happy about it.

When Szegedi learned the truth about himself, he could barely take it in. He began coming up with arguments, excuses, explanations. But his friends in the party weren’t willing to give him a break.

One said that the best thing would be to shoot him, so he could at least be buried as a good Hungarian. Another suggested that he apologize for being Jewish.

Slowly, a question began to trouble him: Was he supposed to apologize because his family had been murdered in the Holocaust?

The party’s number two had become its number one problem.

They quickly got rid of him. As he began discovering his Jewish identity, he reached out to Rabbi Boruch Oberlander, the Rebbe’s emissary in Hungary. He began studying Torah, eating kosher, going to synagogue, and trying to keep Shabbos. At first, people in the synagogue treated him like a pariah. Over time, they became used to seeing him there.

He spoke with his ninety-four-year-old grandmother, who had never told him that he was Jewish. She described what she had lived through in Auschwitz. Only then did the reality of the Holocaust sink in.

In a newspaper interview, he described how the hatred had grown. First, he and his party hated the Roma. Then they hated the Jews. Then the Romanians, the Slovaks, and other minorities. Eventually, hatred became an end in itself. They hated anyone who didn’t look exactly like them.

In 2016, his story became the subject of a documentary called Keep Quiet.

Abraham’s Servant

In this week’s Torah portion, Chayei Sarah, we read about finding a wife for Isaac. Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to Aram Naharaim to find a match from Abraham’s own family. His instructions are clear: bring back a wife for his son from his family and his father’s household. (Bereishis 24:40)

Eliezer arrives toward evening and stops at the well. In those days, that was where everyone gathered, a little like the neighborhood supermarket.

He turns to G-d in prayer. He’ll ask a young woman for a drink. If she offers him water and then offers to water his camels too, that will be the sign that she’s the one G-d has chosen for Isaac. (Bereishis 24:14) 

Before he even finishes speaking, a young woman comes to draw water. Eliezer runs over and asks her for a little to drink.

“Drink, my lord,” she says. And then she offers to draw water for his camels too.

Eliezer immediately realizes that this must be the right young woman. He takes out gifts and gives them to her. Only afterward does he remember to ask, “Whose daughter are you?”

And yes, it turns out that she belongs to Abraham’s family.

But the Midrash asks a very good question. What if a servant girl had come along and offered him water? Would he have married her to his master’s son? (Bereishis Rabbah 60:3)

Think about it. Eliezer chose this test for a decision that would shape Isaac’s entire future. What if another young woman had been very nice, had offered water to the camels, and then turned out to have no connection to Abraham’s family?

Was Abraham looking for a kind young woman who loved animals and cared for them? Or had he specifically asked Eliezer to find someone from his family?

There were kind young women in Canaan too. Eliezer didn’t have to travel all that way just to find one.

True, G-d helped him, and everything worked out. In the Midrash’s words, “Zimein lo HaKadosh Baruch Hu kahogen”—G-d sent him the right person. But Eliezer himself had “sha’al shelo kahogen”—he hadn’t framed his request properly.

The Midrash gives other examples of people who made requests without thinking them through. And in one case, G-d did not give the person the happy outcome he had hoped for.

Caleb’s Promise

The Book of Joshua tells us about Caleb, the son of Yefuneh and the husband of Miriam. He had been one of the spies Moses sent to explore the Land of Israel. Ten of the spies gave a terrible report about the land, and they died. But Joshua and Caleb loved the land. They were promised that they would live to enter it.

Forty-five years have now passed. The Jewish people are already in the land, and seven years of conquest are behind them. Joshua is beginning to divide the land among the tribes.

Caleb approaches Joshua and reminds him of Moses’ promise: Hebron, the city of the Cave of Machpelah, would be his. He asks for the right to conquer it and keep it as an inheritance for himself and his descendants.

“K’chochi az uch’chochi atah,” he tells Joshua. “I’m as strong now as I was then.” (Yehoshua 14:11)

Joshua gives him the area, and Caleb conquers Hebron. Nearby is a city called Kiryas Sefer. Caleb announces that whoever captures it will receive his daughter Achsah’s hand in marriage.

Othniel, the son of Kenaz and Caleb’s half-brother, captures the city. He marries Caleb’s daughter. (Yehoshua 15:16–17)

Again, the Midrash asks: What if a non-Jewish slave had captured the city? Caleb’s daughter couldn’t marry him. What would Caleb have done with his promise then?

Fortunately, G-d helped him too. He sent the right person.

King Saul’s Offer

During King Saul’s reign, the Jewish people suffered terribly at the hands of the Philistines. Then the giant Goliath appeared. Every day, he would challenge the Jews to send out one man to fight him. The winner would become the other side’s master.

If the Jewish champion won, the Philistines would serve Israel and pay tribute. But if Goliath won, the Jews would become servants of the Philistines.

Saul was terrified. He had an announcement made to the army, which was standing ready for battle: the man who defeated Goliath would receive great wealth from the king and marry the king’s daughter. (Shmuel I 17:25)

Then David, the son of Jesse, arrived. He approached Saul and offered to fight the Philistine.

Saul told him that he couldn’t do it. He was only a boy.

David explained that he was a shepherd. A lion and a bear had attacked his flock, and he had fought and killed them. The same G-d who had saved him from the lion would save him from Goliath.

David took five smooth stones and his sling. G-d helped him, and he killed Goliath. He later married Michal, Saul’s daughter.

The Midrash asks whether Saul would really have given his daughter to just anyone who won. It mentions a man from Cush, an idol worshipper, or a slave. What if a non-Jew who couldn’t marry her had killed Goliath? Would Saul have kept his promise?

Here too, G-d arranged the right outcome. He sent someone suitable to marry the king’s daughter. And in the end, David himself became king.

Jephthah’s Daughter

But there was one case where it didn’t work out.

The Book of Judges tells us that Jephthah led the Jewish people into battle against the Ammonites. Just before the battle, he made a vow: if G-d gave him victory, whatever came out of the doors of his house to greet him when he returned safely would be offered to G-d as a burnt offering. (Shoftim 11:30–31)

And who came out to greet him?

His daughter, dancing and playing a tambourine. She was his only child. He had no other son or daughter. (Shoftim 11:34)

This time, the Midrash says, G-d did not arrange a happy outcome.

As Radak explains, Jephthah did not actually sacrifice his daughter. That is absolutely forbidden. But she spent the rest of her life alone, in seclusion.

Why Marriage Comes First

All these stories teach us to be careful with our words and our promises. Sometimes, it’s very hard to live with what we’ve said. Like the antisemite who spoke against the Jews, only to discover that he was one of them.

But why did G-d arrange the right outcome in the first three stories? Why was Jephthah’s story different?

We can understand it in light of the Rebbe’s explanation. When it comes to a marriage, to building a Jewish home, G-d makes sure that things work out in the best possible way. Even when someone’s request wasn’t properly thought through, G-d gives him more than he deserves. The main thing is for the marriage to take place. (20 Cheshvan 5742, Hisvaaduyos, vol. 1, pp. 400–404)

Why? Because marriage is the foundation of the world. Building a Jewish home is that important.

When a marriage is being arranged, there is special Divine providence and special help from Heaven to make it succeed. That’s why G-d gave these people the right answer, even though they hadn’t asked in the right way.

If anyone needs another reminder of how much marriage matters to G-d, these stories give us the answer. Nothing is more important to Him than bringing a couple together.